


Dark Circles and Anxious Nights (How Much Longer Do I Have to Do This?)

by hamburr_fangirl



Series: Random Hamilton Oneshots [8]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander is a Good Boyfriend, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Poor Aaron Burr, Sad, Short Story, depressed aaron burr, self-indulgent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-27 09:57:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13245804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburr_fangirl/pseuds/hamburr_fangirl
Summary: He's so tired of being alone and not feeling wanted. He just wants someone to hold him and kiss him goodnight.





	Dark Circles and Anxious Nights (How Much Longer Do I Have to Do This?)

**Author's Note:**

> I was up late last night and wouldn't stop thinking, so I wrote this.

He lays in bed, eyes staring at the blank, bleak wall. He's curled up in a tight ball, his vision blurry with tears.

Why? He wonders. Why do I feel this way? Why can't I get better? Why is it so painful? Why... why am I crying?

He raises a shaky hand to wipe the treacherous tears away, but more replace them. They won't stop, no matter how much he rubs his eyes. Every time he wipes them away, more come. It's an endless cycle.

A sob escapes his lips. Why is he so pathetic? All he does is burden people with his problems. He just knows that him being around is a nuisance. Why can't he just disappear forever? That would be best for everyone. Oh, how he wishes he could make that come true.

He curls tighter. He wishes the voices would stop, wishes so dearly that he could just finally have peace. No longer have such an awful mind, constantly doubting his loved ones, constantly hating himself and everything he does.

He freezes when light pours into the bedroom. Eyes widen when he sees a familiar figure standing in the door. He squeezes his eyes shut and prays he hasn't heard his sobs. Prays that he doesn't see how pathetic Aaron is and-

"Aaron?" His soft voice says. Aaron tenses, immediately regretting it. Alexander knows the signs by now. He grimaces and curls as tightly as possible. Dammit, Alexander has had a long day, and now Aaron is keeping him up because his mind won't shut up. God, he's so stupid and pathetic. He can't even grant his lover a night's rest!

He doesn't move when Alexander climbs into bed with him. He barely breathes when Alexander stares at him with concerned blue eyes.

A sob escapes. No, stop looking at me like that. He wants to cry. I don't deserve such concern and sympathy!

Alexander reaches out and places his hand over his trembling one.

"Is this okay?" He asks, softly, gently. Aaron doesn't reply, only squeezes it tightly. But that's enough for Alexander.

Alexander loosely wraps his arms around him. Aaron sobs and clings to Alexander's shirt. God, he doesn't deserve any of this. Alexander doesn't deserve such a depressed, pathetic boyfriend. He shouldn't have to take care of his lover like this. He should be carefree, he should be the one looked after.

He sobs into Alexander's shirt. Alexander holds him tightly, oddly silent.

Eventually, after what seems like hours of exhausted sobbing, Aaron's reduced to a sniveling mess. Tears still run down his face, but he no longer sobs. He tries to pull away from Alexander, tries to apologize for keeping him up, for being so pathetic and worthless, but he just gets held more tightly.

"Aaron," his name is whispered. "It's not your fault." Alexander places a gentle kiss on his head. "I love you."

And just like that, he's crying all over again. Alexander doesn't shush him, doesn't say anything, just holds him, because he knows that what Aaron needs right now is a strong hand, someone to hold him tightly and never let go. He needs someone to help chase the horrible voices and thoughts away.

"You're beautiful." He whispers, kissing Aaron's head lightly. "So perfect."

Aaron shakes his head. That's wrong. Alexander's the perfect one. He's not broken, he's not shattered beyond repair. He's beautiful, while Aaron is-

"I love everything about you." Alexander continues softly. "I love your voice, your eyes, your personality. I love how you keep me from going too far, how you protect everyone you care about. I love how you're so kind and gentle." He whispers.

Aaron shakes his head again. No, no, no! It's not true! It can't be true! He's none of what Alexander says. He's boring and ugly! He's nothing!

He gasps when hands suddenly cradle his face, tilting his entire head upwards. He stares into Alexander's eyes, eyes that are looking at him with so much love. Looking at him like he's... like he's something precious.

"N-No..." he whimpers, trying to hide, trying not to face those oh so lovely eyes and everything they held.

"It's all true Aaron," Alexander says. "You're beautiful, the perfect person. You're loved and cherished. You're worth the world."

"I'm not, I'm not!" Aaron cries.

"I wish I could chase those voices in your head away. I wish I could banish them forever and show you how loved you truly are." He pecks Aaron's trembling lips. "I wish I could rid you of your depression and anxiety forever. I wish I could undo all the damage this world has done to you, Aaron. I wish I could make you understand how perfect, how loved you are. I wish I could show you your worth."

The words are whispered, whispered with love and care. And Alexander keeps going, he keeps talking until the hours have flown by. Even when Aaron finally stops crying, and curls more against him, he keeps talking.

His soft, loving words overwhelm him, and soon, Aaron finally feels himself drifting off to sleep.

When he wakes in the morning, Alexander is still there, holding him tightly, and offering all the comfort and love he has to give.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Sombre Spirals and Distressed Dusk](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13949601) by [AzuleOpal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AzuleOpal/pseuds/AzuleOpal)




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